| January 2007
The Absolute Ultimate Final Total Complete
Eradication of Spam - A Morality Tale
A hilarious story about the
"End of SPAM". A little humor for the beginning
of the New Year written by a client.
It had not been a good day for Senator Warren
Fremont. His rating in the polls had slipped
again and a popular district attorney from Cleveland had responded that morning by declaring
his intention of unseating the Senator in the
next election. In the afternoon, one of Fremont’s well-heeled constituents had given him
an earful for not responding to an e-mail.
This particular scion of a prominent Ohio family did not react well to the Senator’s
explanation that his spam filter misdirected
the message to the junk folder. The threat
of diminished campaign contributions at this
crucial time was particularly unsettling.
When Fremont had looked at the junk mail repository he was horrified to
discover that a number of other important e-mails
had met the same fate over the past few weeks.
Despite this, an increasingly large number of
unwanted messages had made their way to his
inbox. Clearly the spammers were outsmarting
the techies and the filters we’re losing their
effectiveness.
“Friggin spammers!” thundered Fremont. “We pass laws outlawing their insidious
activities and the situation just gets worse!”
He had co-sponsored the latest anti-spam legislation
with Congressman Brandon Biscayne and was discouraged
to discover that their heavily publicized effort
had had no effect in stemming the ever-increasing
onslaught of unwanted e-mail. To make matters
worse, the content was no longer restricted
to peddling fake designer watches and male enhancement
medication. Now there were phony e-mails purportedly
from banks, credit card companies, and online
auction houses. These messages had convinced
hundreds of thousands of Americans to reveal
Social Security numbers, credit card accounts,
and passwords to personal financial accounts.
The losses were incalculable. And just last
week e-mail containing a virus had been responsible
for infecting every computer in Massachusetts
Senator Hadley Cambridge’s office. The best
firewalls and anti-virus programs had been powerless
to prevent total eradication of every bit and
byte of data. The virus had even sought out
the remote backups and obliterated them as well.
The internet could conceivably become so polluted
by the misdeeds of a few that it would cease
to exist. Clearly something had to be done and
Fremont
knew he had to take action. Something dramatic
needed to happen to bring the miscreants to
a screeching halt.
While Fremont pondered the problem his gaze settled on the TV in his den.
His wife was watching an old movie about the
French Revolution. On the screen the camera
panned slowly upward to follow the climb of
the blade of a guillotine. After a short pause,
the blade dropped suddenly. In a blink of an
eye it snuffed out the life of someone who had
clearly wronged the assembled masses. Those
spectators roared their approval and the executioner
basked in their adoration.
Fremont’s mind began to form an idea only to quickly reject it with
a mirthless snort. But the idea wouldn’t go
away. Why not, he thought. Naw, he answered himself. But the more he thought about it,
the more sensible the idea became. Public executions!!
Round up a few of the more notorious scofflaws
and feed them to the lions! Fremont sipped on his merlot and began to formulate
his plan.
The next morning he sought out Congressman
Biscayne and shared his thoughts. After initially
expressing horror at the suggestion, Biscayne
slowly began to come around. He remembered
how frustrated he had become the night before
when his home PC had been rendered useless by
an infestation of spyware. With little further
prodding he embraced Fremont’s idea enthusiastically.
“We could stage it along the side of the Reflecting
Pool, Warren! Think how symbolic it would be
for our citizens to be set free from this e-tyranny
while watching the event from the shadows of
the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument! We could do it as Pay-per-View!!” “Settle down, Brandon. Not everyone has access to subscriber services. We’ll want
to have full network coverage.” Biscayne thought
for a bit and said “Obviously we can’t use guillotines
but lethal injection isn’t going to be very
effective getting a reaction out of the crowd.”
“I’ve given that a great deal of thought,” responded
Fremont.
Firing squads have great visual effect but we’d
need some sort of wall to stop errant bullets.
No, we need get the maximum exposure and nothing
does the trick better than hanging! We’ll get
360 degree exposure and great visibility with
the elevated platforms.” “Platforms?” queried
Biscayne. “Yep. Platforms
as in the plural form of platform,” Fremont
responded. “This needs to be a multiple execution
with four or five of the bastards literally
reaching the end of their ropes simultaneously.
I thought about staging them in sequence but
this will be more dramatic and will be the image
the rest of the spammers will have etched in
their minds for the rest of their lives. And
if they want those lives to have any significant
duration, they’ll quickly find a less risky
pursuit.”
The next day Fremont and Biscayne enlisted
the support of Senator Cambridge and over the
next two weeks received the endorsements of
practically every member of the House and Senate.
No one would go on record opposing the measure.
The president (after learning what his position
was from his chief White House advisor) went
on national television to weigh in on the matter.
He sat at a desk next to a personal computer
as he began to speak into the wrong camera.
“My fellow Americans.
We have been presented with a solution to the
terrible problem of computer terrorism. And
we have hard evidence to show that these terrorist
acts have been done by terroristical
(long pause) uh, terrorists. I suspicion that
the problem will go away once the terrorists
do. I know what I’m talking about. In my former
governorial capacity,
I, a compassionated man, governed a lot of executions
and not one of those executed ever bothered
a single citizen of my state again!” He then
turned to the computer, picked up the mouse,
aimed it at the monitor and began clicking it.
He was staring blankly at it when the screen
went dark.
Opposition to the measure was almost nonexistent.
The head of the ACLU, Selma Birmingham, was
quoted as saying, “Normally our organization
would be strongly opposed to such draconian
measures but this seems to be the only solution.
Why just last week a credit card account was
opened in my secretary’s name and was used to
purchase a dozen I-Pods and a PlayStation.
Did I say secretary? I meant administrative
assistant. Whatever….”
Ninety-three year old Chief Justice Bennington
Montpelier IV, as much a left-leaner as Genghis
Kahn tilted to the right, and an ardent foe
of capital punishment weighed in on the matter.
“Sometimes ya just
gotta go with the flow. Fry their asses!”
The Vatican was strangely silent on the matter until
word leaked out that the pontiff’s own PayPal
account had been compromised by a phishing expedition.
Cardinal Durango Cortez was overheard muttering,
“Someone finally found a way to piss off the
Pope!”
Long known for their opposition to capital
punishment, the various heads of state throughout
Europe voiced their unanimous
support expressing the sentiment that desperate
times call desperate measures.
Thousands of Americans volunteered to be the
lucky person to pull the handle opening the
gallows trapdoors. Ultimately a national lottery
selected Melvina Madison, a 3rd grade teacher from Green Bay. She could barely contain her enthusiasm.
“I had just fired up my new laptop and connected
to the WiFi at the
DunkinBrew when I
started getting e-mails inviting me to meet
eligible men right in my neighborhood! And I’m
married! I feel the need to teach those perverts
a lesson and this is the perfect opportunity.
Why the Rotary Club is even offered to pay for
my ticket to DC as long as I promise to wear
one of their sweatshirts on TV.”
Then came the question
of whom to execute. After all, there were different
degrees of evil when it came to computer crimes.
Senator Fremont commissioned a poll asking Americans
who they despised most. He forgot to specify
that the responses had to involve computers
so the results came in as follows:
1. Spammers
2. Senior
Leadership of Al-Quaida
3. Identity
thieves and Phishers
4. Rush
Limbaugh
5. Virus
writers
6. Spyware
creators
7. Nigerian
Scam artists
8. Whoever
dreamed up “Intelligent Design”
9. People
who forward e-mails incessantly
10. Terrell Owens
The FBI enthusiastically identified the top
candidates and quickly rounded them up. Within
48 hours five individuals had been charged,
tried, convicted, and sentenced.
The networks were trying to outdo each other
in coverage. Fox rigged up a skycam to capture the crowd’s euphoria. The Discovery Channel
aired a two hour High Definition show devoted
to the history of hanging. Narrator Sidney
Bismarck started off the show by saying, “Let’s
clear up one misconception right from the start.
A person is hanged, not hung. Well maybe a
few of them are hung too but no one ever died
from that. I don’t think.”
Senator Fremont and Congressman Biscayne
had been asked to serve as Creative Consultants
for NBC (unpaid of course) and they formulated
the idea of staging a warm-up act to get the
crowd into the spirit of things. An exclusive
called “Flogging the Forwarder” would lead off
the network’s coverage and hopefully grab a
significant portion of the viewership
for the entire event’s coverage. The FBI’s
experts went back to work and hauled in Sharon
Scranton, a retired librarian whom they identified
as the number one forwarder of e-mails in the
country. Her indiscriminate use of the Forward
button to send jokes and hoaxes (sometimes to
the senders themselves) had been responsible
for providing e-mail addresses to 80% of the
spammers in America.
At precisely noon on Execution Day, Ms. Scranton was tied to
two large wood posts and her blouse was ripped
away. Since this was network coverage, she
was allowed to retain her bra. A grandson of
1950’s western star Lash LaRue
struck the first blow with his whip. And
another. And another.
An indecipherable murmur emanated from the left
side of the crowd followed by a response from
the right. The volume grew and became clear
and loud. “Copy and Paste!”
“Blind CC!” “Copy
and Paste!” “Blind
CC!” After the prescribed twenty lashes
she slumped and the crowd roared its approval.
After a commercial break, the main
event ensued. Televangelist Hayward Bakersfield,
chosen to be emcee for his stentorian voice,
began reciting the names and offenses of the
condemned.
“Eugene Portland!” he
thundered. “You have been found guilty, I say
guilty, of stealing the identities of
thousands of our good citizens. While you have
profited, lives have been turned upside down.
Your lies and deceptions have destroyed the
retirement dreams of unfortunate souls throughout
this good land. And now you shall rot in hell!”
Visibly shaking, Portland
looked stunned as a noose was placed around
his neck. The crowd erupted in cheers so loud
that even Reverend Bakersfield felt a chill
down his spine. His voice rose
a few more decibels as he called out the next
name.
“Sapele Ogbomoshu! Posing as Barrister
Thomas Mboma you fleeced countless citizens of their hard earned,
I say hard earned, wages promising them
compensation for helping you transfer large
sums of nonexistent money! Instead of rewards,
these good people got the Nigerian Shaft. And
now you’re going to get yours!”
It’s not clear how the FBI enticed
Ogbomoshu to come
to the states but it reportedly involved a sting
operation in which he was led to believe that
he could profit by channeling money out of the
United States. The stricken con artist was prodded
into position over the trap door and the noose
was laid around his neck.
“Larvik Lillehammer!” Bakersfield
was now on a roll. “Your high school’s decision
to hold a class trip in Disney World will cost
you your life, young man. You have traveled
half way around the world only to be delivered
unto us! You singlehandedly
compiled the code responsible for the most insidious
and destructive virus to hit the internet since
Al Gore invented it. Your 81pHltn program bypassed
the worlds’ most sophisticated safeguards and
brought the web to a total shutdown for 36 hours.
The worldwide loss of commerce reached into
the billions, I say billions! Now, boy,
your system is about to be shut
down!!”
The pimply faced Lillehammer
stared glassily as the rope slipped around his
neck and Bakersfield
read the next name from the list.
“Augusta Waycross!” he roared and
the crowed roared back. “You pioneered spyware
and infected millions of PCs with a trail of
cookies whose sole purpose was to delve into
the most intimate details of our day-to-day
keystrokes. Your creation has taxed the processing
power of the most powerful machines while destroying
whatever privacy we thought we could protect.
You are the ultimate Cookie Monster and you’re
gonna crumble!”
She sobbed as the rope slipped over
her head. The crowd was in a
frenzy when Bakersfield read the final name.
“Wayne Trenton!” The mere mention
of his name triggered a roar that was deafening.
Bakersfield waited patiently for the noise to subside and began. “You
are the undisputed Spam King. You have made
no attempt to hide the fact that 72% of the
nations’ unwanted e-mail passes through your
network of servers. You have besieged us with
offers of lower interest rates, gas saving devices,
hot stocks, prescription drugs, romance, enhanced
body parts, and fake designer watches. You
have provided the means for these other miscreants
to spread their evil creations. You have ripped
the very fabric of our civilization. And now
your soul shall be ripped from your miserable
body!!”
The cheers continued unabated for
more than five minutes. Savvy network anchors
recognized that this was one of the momentous
events in history that needs no commentary.
They sat in mute wonderment at the scene before
them.
At a prearranged signal, Melvina
Madison rose and the crowd quickly became silent.
With purposeful strides she reached the lever.
She grinned broadly, grabbed the microphone
and shouted, “Are you ready for some foot fall?”
“Yes!!! Came the exuberant response. Without hesitation she yanked
the lever and all five trap doors instantly
dropped. Five doomed souls had a fraction of
a second to reflect of their misspent lives
before those lives were forever extinguished.
Gravity pulled the condemned down until the
nooses tightened snapping all five necks in
one spellbinding moment. No one spoke. The
bodies ceased their bouncing and swayed slightly
in the gentle wind. As one voice the assembled
throngs broke into an exultant cheer. In the
storied history of this great nation no cheer
rang out so loud and long. Lindbergh, the Apollo
11 crew, and the Beatles combined never generated
such an outpouring of genuine euphoria. Fremont
and Biscayne sat stunned in their broadcast
booth. For the first time in his life Bakersfield felt at a loss for words. Melvina
Madison just stood there with her hands still
firmly wrapped around the lever, eyes brimming
over with tears of sheer joy.
Watching from home like millions
of others around the world sat Arnold Towson.
His gaze was transfixed by the mesmerizing images
on the 52 inch JVC Hi Definition TV in his den.
Slowly he stood up and walked to his computer.
Staring at him was a file containing millions
of valid e-mail addresses, the result of six
years compilation. He tapped CTRL-A, then paused
a moment before tapping the DELETE key. The
machine asked him if he was sure. He briefly
turned his head to the television before selecting
YES. He then emptied the Recycle Bin.
At six o’clock that evening the president again addressed
the nation. The floor director was careful
to point to the proper camera.
“My fellow Americans. Our long national nightmare is over.
With our actions today we have forever eradicalized
the despictable actions
of a few bad people. They can never again infect
your inboxes, virusize your computers, or (long
pause while his eyebrows scrunched together)
uh, marginatize your
mice. Those of you who suffered losses from
the actions of these contempable
people can maybe get some relief. Ummmm, maybe we can get FEMA to set up a (pause) web thing.
The guy running it these days is doing a heck
of a job.”
The next day Americans checked their inboxes and were overjoyed to find
no unwanted missives. It was almost eerie.
Gone were the exhortations to refinance because
“mortgage rates have never been lower!” and
to buy a diet plan that had “been seen on NBC,
CBS, CNN, and even on Oprah!” Hacker chat rooms
disappeared. Two internet security firms and
a firewall developer filed for bankruptcy.
The internet had been saved.
A week later, a new poll was released
showing Senator Fremont regaining much of his
lost popularity. He wasn’t out of the woods
yet. His youthful challenger was not to be
taken lightly. After dinner one evening Fremont sat in his easy chair absentmindedly running
his finger around the top of his wine glass.
He needed one more spark to ensure his re-election.
His reverie was shattered by the shrill ringing
of his phone. Irritated, he snatched it up.
A voice at the other end said, “Am I speaking
with Mr. Fremont?” “It’s Senat-“ he cut himself off and instead
said “why do you ask?” Well, Mr. Fremont, this
is not a sales call, I’m hoping to take a few
moments of your time to get your opinion on
aluminum siding and then maybe arrange for one
of our representatives to come to your house
to answer the questions you’ll undoubtedly have”.
Fremont slammed the phone down and muttered “Damn Telemarketers!”
His wife came in the room to ask
what the noise was about and watched her husband’s
expression change from irritation to thoughtfulness,
to contentment. He raised his glass of merlot
to her and said, “My re-election is in the bag”.
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